My reason for being here…

I decided to start this blog to help others, help myself, hopefully find some cathartic healing in writing everything down! I have found solace in other people’s blogs and vlogs for years now, particularly on the subject of fertility and IVF, and now I’m becoming an old hand at this process, I was hoping to perhaps impart some wisdom, or just have a moan.

I’ve never written a blog before and not even sure anyone reads them!

Our story:  So we started trying to have a baby in December 2014.  We were naive and thought it would happen very quickly.  January came and went without anything happening, and I seem to remember being so angry and upset when I came on my period on my husband’s birthday in February.  We were both disillusioned then!

We did manage to get a positive in July 2015 when I was at a festival.  I remember being very emotional on the journey to this festival, my boobs were massive and hurting, and I thought finally, maybe, this has worked.  The next day I did a test in a portaloo and there it was, the other line! I was so excited.  I cancelled my surfing lesson that day and walked around the festival in this serene glow of pregnancy.  I chose to ignore the horrendous period pain I was experiencing!  The next day I came on and that was that.

Fast forward another year of burying our head in the sand and trying every remedy known to man, we finally decided to seek some help.  We went in for testing and were told in May 2016 that in no uncertain terms we would need IVF.

I have always been so scared of IVF – I think the media, TV, chinese whispers, blogs on the internet all lead to making IVF much bigger than it is.  As soon as I was told the only way I would make a baby would be through pumping myself full of drugs and hormones, I broke down.  I also hid from the truth for another year before actually starting on the IVF journey.

We did the research on the clinics, we visited open days and got all the holidays and festivals out of the way before dedicating our lives to this next stage of the process.  We got my 30th birthday out of the way too so I could drink for one last night, and started our first round in July 2017.

Round 1 – July 2017: We managed to get 6 eggs, 4 fertilised, 2 became blastocysts, had one put back and one in the freezer.  BFN.  Terrible day as you go through the first round thinking it will work.  This is the answer to our prayers! I actually knew it hadn’t worked way before my official test day.  I am not known for my patience and 4 days after our 5 day transfer, I started testing!  I didn’t see a thing.  Even my eyes couldn’t deceive my brain.  There was nothing there, nothing changed and I started bleeding exactly 2 weeks after my egg collection and 9 days past 5 day transfer (9dp5dt).  I’ll talk about things in more depth in other blogs, but the drugs were fine!

So we booked another holiday to get over it!

Round 2 – October 2017:  We decided to go for a natural frozen transfer (FET).  This meant no drugs at all.  I had to track my ovulation and when I ovulated I called the clinic and they booked me in for a transfer 5 days after.  It was a much calmer process.  Even though the drugs didn’t affect me, it is stress for your body and the egg collection really wasn’t great so this time round seemed much more…natural.  However natural IVF can be!  And from 5 days post transfer I started getting a positive line! A very faint but definitely there line.  However, it didn’t get darker and I knew as time went on, it was very unlikely to be good news.  2 weeks after my ovulation I started bleeding again.

So we decided to take some time off as I couldn’t cope emotionally to keep going through this disappointment.  It was nearly Christmas and we thought – let’s at least enjoy ourselves.  And we very much did! And then we went skiing because apparently holidays are the only remedy to an IVF broken heart.

Sorry this blog isn’t very joyous – I promise I’ll get better.  Just having to tell the back story!

We went to the clinic to get answers.  I asked:

  • Can we get an endometrial scratch?  You can but we wouldn’t bother.
  • Can I get tested for the natural killer cells?  No we don’t believe in that.
  • Can we use embryo glue?  No we don’t believe in that.
  • Can we put two embryos back?  Do you want twins?  Because you’re young and you’ll end up having them.

It was a really helpful visit as you can see.  They just blew us off and said we’ll have a baby it might just take a few goes.  No more investigation.

Round 3 – February 2018:  So I got christmas cheer and skiing out my system, I went back to being healthy and we decided to start treatment again in February.  It was a fresh cycle again and they jacked my drugs up and we managed 11 eggs this time, 7 fertilised and 3 blasts.  One was put back and two put in the freezer.

It was different this time – everyone had hope.  My friends and family all ‘had a good feeling’.  I had dreamed I was pregnant with twins – it was weird.  The first two times I knew it wasn’t going to work in my head – but this time I knew it would work.  I had all the same feelings I did the second time (I’ll go into that in another blog) and I tested 4 days after transfer and could immediately see a positive line.  I didn’t tell my husband as I wanted to see it get darker.  So the next day, 5dp5dt, I saw the faintest line again but very clear.  Much clearer than the first time.  I did another test later that day and it was clear as anything.  It was such a magical day – I sent a photo of the tests to close friends who knew and we all couldn’t believe how dark it was already.

The best day was 5 days after that on the Saturday.  I was pretty used to seeing positive tests and did one in the morning ( a first response).  I went back to sleep and when I woke up the line was the darkest I had ever seen.  I then dipped a digital in the same wee from the morning that I had saved (mmm) and it came up ‘pregnant 1-2’.  It was true! I was pregnant!!

We were very much trying not to get excited but we couldn’t help it.  I just wanted to get past my period day and then I could start believing it.  So the Monday was period day and I sailed through that.  I stopped testing as there wasn’t much point testing any more and I went on for 5 more glorious days…

My clinic had told me to wait until the Friday to do another test, make sure it’s all going ok, then ring them to book in a scan.  A SCAN! What?!  I don’t have those because I’m never pregnant – oh wait, yes I am!  However, on the Thursday I was at work and something odd happened.  I came out of a meeting and just felt odd – I couldn’t put my finger on it.  So I went to Boots to get some tests as I needed them for the next day anyway.  I went to the bank and all of a sudden felt a rush of something downstairs.  I panicked, ran out and ran all the way back to work.  It was the worst feeling – I was hyperventilating and crying.  I got into the loo and I couldn’t even look.  When I did, everything was fine, but I really scared myself.

So I decided to do a test and it was a lot lighter, but I just blamed that on the fact I held my wee for only an hour.  I then waited another 1,5 hours and did another digital and FRER – digital said 1-2 still and the frer was darker than before but nowhere near as dark as earlier in the week.  I figured it was the dilute wee that cause the lines and the digital not moving up in weeks.

The next morning I woke up at 5.30am to test.  I did a clear blue this time and another digital – I saw straight away – the clear blue barely showed a line and the digital was doing it’s usual time dance before showing the result.  It finally came up ‘not pregnant’.  What?  I couldn’t believe it.

I won’t go into the rest of this for now, but let’s just say I’ve had an awful week.

So that’s me – our story. We are now on the 4th round journey and will be updating this as much as I can along the way.  Thanks for reading if you’ve stumbled across this 🙂

K x

 

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