7 weeks 3 days…

I haven’t written for ages so thought it was about time I did! I hope to use this blog as a diary of sorts in future, so really need to keep it updated!

So we are officially actually pregnant.  Like with an actual baby and everything! I’m still extremely nervous and always thinking the worst as I seem to only surround myself with terrible stories.

We had our scan last Thursday at 6 weeks 5 days.  It was brought forward slightly as I experienced a lot of period type pains in my first few weeks and started to really worry.  Then, the night before the new scan time, I started to spot brown blood so of course completely freaked out and thought that was the end.  I called my parents (who are medical) and they also jumped to the worst conclusion too!  So I had a very scary negative night before the scan I must say!

The day of the scan I was SO scared.  I don’t think I have ever felt more nervous.  I think I was more nervous than when I fly! I just thought we would get there and the pregnancy either would be ectopic, too small, no heartbeat or a figment of my imagination!  But it was none of those!! It was perfect – measuring correctly, heartbeat really obvious and in the right place.  The nurse who did the ultrasound was actually who did the transfer and she was so happy with the result!  She actually seemed a little emotional.  If this pregnancy continues and we get a healthy baby at the end, she will certainly be getting a present!

We have now graduated from the clinic and under NHS care.  I have a midwife appointment next week on 11th June and the next scan will be at 12 weeks.  I am going away for the weekend on 22nd June when I will be 10 weeks, and ideally want to have a scan before I go, so am going to pay for a private scan to make sure everything is ok.

Symptoms wise, I have had quite a lot of nausea since the scan particularly but can ward it off a little with food I’ve found.  I have the biggest food aversions and things I might have liked last week I now can’t even think about without feeling really sick! It’s quite annoying as I don’t know what to eat each night for dinner and can only gauge it by thinking of different food and if I feel like I want to throw up.  I’m also absolutely knackered and really finding it hard to have any energy at work.  Also, my stomach doesn’t seem to be able to go flat(ish) any longer.  I don’t think I have a bump as the baby is the size of a blueberry, but think the uterus is maybe pushing out a little more.  Basically I can’t hide my layer of fat on my stomach any more!  Oh yeh, my boobs hurt.  Not really badly – they’ve definitely hurt more before my period but they are there for sure.  Also, they are much bigger and veiny but I don’t feel I need to buy a new bra yet.

I have had a lot of sharp pain today that have made me worry but hoping it’s just the stretching and growing going on in there.  I have also had quiet a lot of dizziness and feeling feint.  It’s all such a magical time! To be honest, I’ll take anything to make sure it’s healthy and gets here ok 🙂

13dp14dt…hanging in there…

Yesterday I saw the strongest positive I’ve ever seen in my life! It was very timely as I have been petrified of having a chemical again.  Last time I had good positives (or I thought were good positives until I saw these ones!) but they started getting lighter at 12dp5dt and on 13dp5dt I got such a light positive I did a digital and came out as ‘not pregnant’ which was a shock after seeing the words ‘1-2 weeks’ a couple of days before.  So yesterday and today have been the days I’ve been dreading and thankfully the tests have been getting stronger and stronger – and as you can see, the test line was stronger than the control line yesterday! I did do a cheapie this morning just to make sure it’s still there (yes I’ve gone mad!), and it was very positive and dark so I’m happy…for now!

I’m finding it very hard to relax and enjoy this experience as I am literally just waiting for it to go wrong.  But I also do have something in the back of my head saying it’s the one this time…oh god I hope so!  I’ve been asked a couple of times weirdly when my due date would be.  I haven’t worked this out!! I’ve been concentrating on getting past my official test date which is tomorrow, and not thinking that far into the future.  I stupidly did that last time and look where that got me.  Anyway, I do kind of know – it’s January sometime.  I’m not going to properly work it out until I need to, and when I have had a scan at least.

I follow a lot of people on social media, and although it’s lovely to share journeys with each other, it really is sad to see all of those pregnancies that go wrong.  Life isn’t fair.  It also makes me not get too ahead of myself.

So official test date tomorrow.  Ironically I’ve run out of tests! I’ve ordered some from Amazon but they won’t be arriving until later.  I might need to just grab a cheapie today to do tomorrow to officially tell them it’s all going ok.  Then we get to book the scan! What?!!!! I’m not sure whether they do this at 6 or 7 weeks, but I think it will be in a couple of weeks or so.

Work has been an absolute nightmare the last week since I’ve come back.  I’m in recruitment and a lot has gone wrong, as it often does, and had lots of very annoying and frustrating conversations internally and with clients over different matters.  I think my hormones aren’t helping here though – for example, our admin assistance at work told me she didn’t have time to do my work as she was doing everyone else’s.  Well I kicked off! I’ve had a couple of naughty law firms trying to screw me over on fees too which hasn’t gone down too well.  I’m just trying to chill and realise it’s a job and not to take it too seriously – I want a baby more than a job!

Symptoms wise – it’s pretty quiet to be honest.  My boobs have got a couple more veins but not loads.  They look no bigger, and have had a little bit of pain but nothing like I’ve felt before.  I did have itchy boobs earlier so I’m not sure whether that’s something.  I am getting frustrated quite easily, like PMT feelings.  It’s weird as I didn’t have that at all with the IVF drugs.  I’ve also been a bit annoying with my husband – he can’t do anything right, but I feel like he’s doing things specifically to annoy me!! I’m sure he’s being absolutely the same but I can’t see that.  He is good in some ways as he does do a lot of washing and cooking.  He gets home a lot earlier than me so he has a lot more time than me, which I find highly annoying! Also he has decided to find a passion in his bike that he never had before – I think just to get away from me.  I just feel a little lonely in the process as I’m the one who has to take all the drugs, remember to take the drugs, inject myself with horrible Clexane (which I’m developing a fear of) and worry about what’s going on with this pregnancy.  I can’t get away! I’m stuck in my body while he gets to escape and not have to do anything horrible to his body.  Rant over!  Poor man living with me!

My biggest symptom at the moment has to be utter exhaustion.  I have heard this is pretty normal and the tiredness at the beginning of pregnancy is overwhelming, but I’m really struggling with it and keeping my job and life going slightly! Who knows what’s going to happen when morning sickness joins the party!  Onto official test date we go….

The truth about IVF

I’m now 11dp5dt and everything is still very much the same as yesterday.  I haven’t tested today but not had any signs that it’s gone wrong yet and still holding out to test on 14dp5dt as my official test date.  It will then be another 2 week wait for the 7 weeks scan…it’s all waiting!  So I wanted to use this opportunity, whilst I’m in the midst of a cycle, to hopefully tell you some truths about IVF.

As I mentioned before, I got really scared when I heard we would have to do IVF as I had reacted quite badly to the pill and the morning after pill previously and had also heard some very scary stories about IVF.

  1. You know nothing about IVF until you go through it – this is my first truth!
    Before I started IVF I thought I knew what it was about, but I really didn’t! I hadn’t a clue.  I had heard stories from the media or acquaintances who has been through it and who said ‘you go mad’ on the drugs, or injecting yourself is just awful etc.  It made me SO scared before I started and could have easily put me off altogether to be honest.  But you will never understand the enormity of IVF until you do it, and also the many myths that accompany it.  Please don’t listen to anyone else, it’s not that bad.  Especially don’t read into everything on the internet as it seems only people with negative experiences ever write anything (and that’s what I’m trying to change!).
  2. IVF drugs are nothing like the pill or morning after pill
    I have realised there’s absolutely no correlation between not suiting the pill and IVF treatment or actually pregnancy hormones for that matter! I went on the pill when I was younger and on one that I took, actually felt quite suicidal.  I quickly came off that.  I also took the morning after pill a couple of times in my life and have had very bad anxiety attacks after each.  With this in mind, you can see why I was petrified of the IVF hormones!  Well, I have had absolutely no reaction to the hormones given to me in IVF.  The only reaction I’ve had was when I came off the hormones the first time as I think my body went into a bit of shock.  I have had friends who have reacted to the hormones with IVF but haven’t had reactions with the pill.  It’s all very odd.  Also, having no reaction to the hormones used in IVF does not mean you won’t react to pregnancy hormones judging by my mood today!
  3. Injections don’t hurt (unless they’re Clexane)
    I watched a really good film the other day called ‘One Last Shot’ on Netflix all about a couple’s journey with IVF.  It was brilliantly shot and really did show the truth about the experience of IVF.  The only thing that annoyed me was all the faces and noises pulled when the lady was doing her injections! THEY DON’T HURT! Stop making people scared of injecting themselves.  The needles used are small and you inject subcutaneously, so into fat basically!  The only exception to this is the progesterone injections they seem to do in America that we don’t do over here – they look hideous with a big needle and into muscle, and the Clexane injections I’m doing at the moment that are quite hard to get into the skin as the needle is bigger, it feels like a bee has stung you afterwards for about 5 mins and leaves some crappy bruises!
  4. You can still live a normal life
    I’ve managed to continue working whilst doing most of the IVF process.  I’ve continued to do yoga and get on with life basically whilst down regging and stimming.  The only time I’ve changed my life is post transfer where I usually take a few days off work, mainly because I find work stressful and frustrating – not a good combo for when you’re trying to be relaxed.  Actually this time, I went straight to a hen do after transfer and didn’t really rest except on the long train ride!
  5. Sometimes it doesn’t work!
    People don’t tell you this! When you start IVF it’s usually after a long time of trying to get pregnant without success, so you think IVF is the last resort and often the answer to your prayers.  Well it’s not always! I have a friend who’s IVF worked first time and that’s amazing, but I think she might be the only one I’ve heard of! Be prepared for a long journey.  I’m not trying to be pessimistic, but no one was realistic with me and it was hard and quite shocking to me when it didn’t work the first time.
  6. Sometimes it does…
    I still can’t get excited this time.  I keep thinking maybe I will once I get past my clinic’s official test date on Thursday (17th May), or maybe after the first scan, or maybe after the 12 week scan, or maybe at 20 weeks.  Who knows.  It’s so easy to cloud this whole experience with what ifs and thinking negatively.  I now need to teach myself how to be more positive!

The 4th Round…

I am well into the 4th round now and thought it only right to update you on what the plan is.

After our 3rd failed cycle, which ended in early miscarriage at 5 weeks, our very chilled out clinic didn’t really give many answers, until we asked to see a doctor to discuss things.  I was keen on just getting on with the next round immediately and transferring one of our frozen embryos in a natural cycle as we had done before.  A natural cycle means not being medicated at all, you track your ovulation and have the transfer 5 days later.  Although I was really sad about the previous one not working, when I was told I could just crack on with the next one immediately, it made the whole thing feel just a little bit better…but not for long.

So this clinic, who are so chilled out they’re almost horizontal, decided to whip into action.  Someone somewhere decided to have a look at our records and actually think there might be something to investigate here – who would have thought! Even though I’d asked for all of these investigations and other procedures to be investigated after round two, it was dismissed very quickly.  I was called up by a different nurse (don’t get my talking about the lack of consistency at our clinic too!) who said, actually the doctor has had a look at your history and records, and has suggested you have an endometrial scratch, a blood test to see if you have a clotting disorder and then go onto a natural frozen transfer cycle (FET).  I was naturally upset that these investigations would mean it would be pushed to another cycle but I do understand that investigations now need to be done.  It isn’t working otherwise!

However, we weren’t offered an appointment or even talked through the next steps which we thought was very disappointing.  I then had to call up to book in the scratch, which needs to be on a specific day, and they didn’t bother to call me to book in – all very odd! Especially when I was still feeling very emotional and actually made me cry every time I spoke to the clinic!  Anyway, I asked for an appointment with the doctor, and we were given one for the next week with the nice new doctor 🙂

He was the most proactive, well read, thoughtful doctor we have had who actually came up with a very good plan next.  It was like he gave more than 5 minutes to think about it!  It’s not like we’re paying huge amount for this treatment (we had our one free IVF treatment on the NHS so we’re into full payment).  I had also spoken to a friend’s sister who is Head Embryologist at a very good London clinic who gave me some advice as I was feeling particularly disillusioned with everything and just needed someone to corroborate some of my (extensive) research.

So the plan he came up with was:

  • Medicated FET – I’ve never been down-regged before and had always tried to avoid it, but I’m now at the stage where I just need to let the doctors take over a bit!
  • Endometrial Scratch – I’ve spoken about that in my previous blog!
  • Blood tests for clotting and immunological issues which can be treated from just before transfer if needed.
  • Put two embryos back in.

We also discussed the natural killer cells investigations – he felt that we didn’t need to do that at this stage so have decided not to do that, although I am feeling like I might ask whether I can just be treated for it anyway.  Not sure whether he’ll do that, but I am feeling at a bit of a loss at the moment, and want to do anything to make a pregnancy work.

I started the down regging with HRT last Sunday (8th April) and am now waiting for my period.  I will then call the clinic and I think they will do a baseline scan.  I then start the estrogen from the first Sunday after my period starts (which I think will be this Sunday).  They will scan me 12 days after starting the estrogen and then see whether I will be ready with another scan for transfer.  I think the transfer will either be 3rd May or 10th May at the moment.

So there we go.  Down regging is fine by the way, the injections are easier than others I’ve done and managed to get them done really quickly in the morning before work which is good – or maybe I’m just a bit of a pro now 4th cycle in!  But I haven’t gone ‘mad’ yet as all my IVF friends have told me they did! To be honest, I forget most of the time that I’m actually doing IVF.  This is a new type of normal I guess…

Endometrial Scratch

So after what can only be described as a quite depressing start to my blogs, I have decided to be more me – someone who is usually quite upbeat, love to have fun and being inappropriate – particularly at times when you really should not (think churches, lectures, meetings – you get the gist)! I love getting into those situations where it’s so ridiculously not funny, it becomes the funniest thing that has ever happened where I am trying to stifle laughter and it keeps escaping through weird snorts and coughs with watering eyes and being barely able to breathe.  I think that might be the best feeling in the world!  I often get like this, and have managed (thank god) to bounce back to my normal self after 3 weeks of hell and sadness.

I haven’t actually updated you as to our next cycle and how it is decided we proceed – I will cover this in another blog very soon as it’s already started and want to update as I go.  What I can say though is there is a new Consultant at our clinic who has taken over our care, and he is HOT! And for this reason I will not disclose which clinic we are at or even the area of the country!

He’s a very professional man, and the feeling is certainly not mutual as he is mainly trying to get me pregnant with my husband’s and my own children.  But it is bloody awkward to be lying legs akimbo with a hot man basically the same age as you doing some quite hideous procedures to you! And last Thursday was no different.

Thursday was a day I was very much dreading.  I had been told 3 weeks ago after our last chemical pregnancy that they would like to try the endometrial scratch to see whether that may help with implantation this time round.  Even the name sounds rank.  Why can’t they call it ‘endometrial caress’ hm that sounds weird.  How about ‘endometrial nudge’?!  I would not be scared of an endometrial nudge! But SCRATCH! Are you effing kidding me.  I’m quite glad I didn’t look up until afterwards what is used to ‘scratch’ you.  It’s more like those extendable branch cutters you use in the garden.  They nip away at your uterus for about 20 seconds…look it up on youtube if you’re bored at lunch/a sadist.

I did want to write a blog to tell you what it’s like and say it’s all fine and not to listen to other blogs or people on FertilityFriend or Baby Centre, but I can’t I’m afraid.  I arrived at the clinic and weirdly was not scared or apprehensive.  I took paracetamol and ibuprofen an hour before as advised.  I then went into the holding room where I got changed for the procedure and was spoken to by the nurse.  Then my nerves did kick in.

The nurse came and sat down to talk me through the procedure.  She said there will be the doctor and a nurse there to BREATHE ME THROUGH THE PROCEDURE. A what now?! To help me breathe?! Is it breath or breathe ? I’ve thought about this too much, they both look weird. Anyway, I was expecting it to be a little uncomfortable, but not like labour!  She did reassure me it was very quick but not very nice.  I burst into tears.  I feel a little bit done with all this prodding and having to lie in the most ridiculously non lady-like positions with strangers doing horrible things to my bits!  And it felt like enough was enough at that point.  Especially when blokes just get to go and wank in a room and get on with their lives!

So I was lead in to the room where the fit doctor was waiting to scratch me up.  I sat at the end of the bed with my head in my hands and declared I was very unexcited about this whole thing, and I might just not do IVF and be a rich childless couple (we’re not rich but I think we might be one day if not paying for uni fees and school uniforms).  However, I lay back and got on with it anyway.  I must say the doctor was good at being very quick and getting it over and done with.  He said that some people feel nothing and others hit the roof – guess which one I was.

It really is very quick and I did breathe/breath through it.  But eff my life! The pain was insane.  Like the worst ever ever period pain – the type that makes you puke your brains out and feel faint.  It was over after 20 seconds and I just lay there in shock and pain for another minute.  They make you stay lying down for that time in case you do puke or faint.  And then that was it.  I walked out, got dressed and it was done!

So if you are going in for an endo scratch and you’re worried – well I probably haven’t helped.  But I would say – you might be one of the lucky ones who feels nothing, or just think about the fact it will be over before it’s even begun and 5 mins later you won’t feel a thing!  The picture at the top of this blog is a true representation of what happens.

Chemical Pregnancy

I was planning to write every day but realised this is not a good idea with a very busy job!  I want to share what’s going on with this 4th IVF cycle, but also wanted to talk about some of the issues that I have come up against and see if anyone else has any tips/feels the same.

Although I wasn’t too affected emotionally by my first two cycles, it seems the last one has really hit me and it seems that a lot of people around me don’t really understand the enormity of the situation.  It may be my own fault that I have reacted well previously, so friends and family are slightly confused my be this time or it might be the fact that it seems very early miscarriage doesn’t warrant much of a reaction.

The term ‘chemical miscarriage’ means a pregnancy loss before the pregnancy can be seen on a scan – so can only be identified chemically by blood or urine test.  This usually occurs from 4 – 6 weeks pregnant and often happens when a positive test is seen and either slowly or very quickly (as in my case) goes to negative before you’re able to have a scan.  It’s a term that a lot of people are now campaigning about removing as it tends to play down the enormity of the experience of having one of these – the term ‘early miscarriage’ should certainly be put in place.

I’m not trying to play down or even try to compare this type of miscarriage with people losing babies much later.  I have a number of friends who have attended their 12 week scans and realised the baby has passed away, and I’ve had a couple of friends who have lost babies very late in pregnancy.  To be honest, having gone through my recent experience, I’m not quite sure how those friends have gotten through those times without just staying in bed and shutting out the world.  This experience has given me a lot appreciation to those who have been through any miscarriage.

I think the problem this time for me, and I can only speak for my own feelings, is that we were officially pregnant for a week and a half.  I know that’s not long and I know, especially in our situation, that you shouldn’t start to look to the future – but it’s human nature surely?  This was the furthest we had ever got with a pregnancy.  The others, as I previously explained, I had seen a very faint positive test, but this was massively different.

We got a positive that just kept getting darker and darker for a week and a half, and then it disappeared.  I didn’t even start bleeding for another 4 days, so I could have gone on until ‘5 weeks’ pregnant without knowing and start bleeding.  It was horrendous.   However, I think it was the reactions of certain friends and family members that really got me.  Stating things like ‘some people wouldn’t even know they’re pregnant at 5 weeks’ well I did as I’M DOING IVF.  ‘This is your way of life now and you need to get used to these things happening’ – that doesn’t make it better. It’s not just the actual words that have hurt me and made me feel like I’m not allowed to be sad, or I’m pathetic in some way for being sad, it’s actually some of the people that have been there every step of the way with me, through all cycles, that have just treated this like nothing has happened, not checked in to see if I’m ok, and actually been actively horrible in some cases!!

Anyway, I have been surprised at my own reaction, but think it might be the fact that I dared to dream (thank you Izzy Judd for a great title) and that this was a compounded reaction to three failed attempts.   I don’t expect people to understand, but I don’t expect their opinions either.

I think the term chemical pregnancy really undermines what happens to you and how someone should feel.  You still see the positive test, you still go to bed that night thinking ‘oh my god I’m pregnant’.  You still have to watch what you eat and what you do physically.  You start to get some symptoms, like bigger boobs and feeling very tired.  You still feel that inner elation and contentment that you are pregnant and a certain glow about the day.  And then it goes away.  It’s really screwed up.

I remember I just felt something had gone wrong, I ran to get more tests to check and everything was still positive and fine, but I just knew something wasn’t right.  I cried at my desk at work thinking, oh god I won’t be able to deal with this if it all goes wrong.  And it did.  But I’m out the other side now.

I don’t want this to be all doom and gloom but I did want to write this.  To anyone who is going through this right now – you do come out the other side.  Your hormones calm down, the tears do dry, you do end up laughing about something even without just a brave face, and trust be you do enjoy a little tipple to help! We sent ourselves away for Easter – it was actually something that I had booked when I was pregnant to try to distract ourselves before our first scan (which was meant to be this week).  However, we still enjoyed it. I enjoyed the fact I could now go in the hot tub on the beach, the pool and enjoy a prosecco here and wine with dinner!

In our room in the hotel there was this painting which initially made me angry, but then I thought how I would feel if it was there and I was pregnant.  Maybe I’ll visit there again and it will be going right instead and I’ll be really happy to see the painting!

My reason for being here…

I decided to start this blog to help others, help myself, hopefully find some cathartic healing in writing everything down! I have found solace in other people’s blogs and vlogs for years now, particularly on the subject of fertility and IVF, and now I’m becoming an old hand at this process, I was hoping to perhaps impart some wisdom, or just have a moan.

I’ve never written a blog before and not even sure anyone reads them!

Our story:  So we started trying to have a baby in December 2014.  We were naive and thought it would happen very quickly.  January came and went without anything happening, and I seem to remember being so angry and upset when I came on my period on my husband’s birthday in February.  We were both disillusioned then!

We did manage to get a positive in July 2015 when I was at a festival.  I remember being very emotional on the journey to this festival, my boobs were massive and hurting, and I thought finally, maybe, this has worked.  The next day I did a test in a portaloo and there it was, the other line! I was so excited.  I cancelled my surfing lesson that day and walked around the festival in this serene glow of pregnancy.  I chose to ignore the horrendous period pain I was experiencing!  The next day I came on and that was that.

Fast forward another year of burying our head in the sand and trying every remedy known to man, we finally decided to seek some help.  We went in for testing and were told in May 2016 that in no uncertain terms we would need IVF.

I have always been so scared of IVF – I think the media, TV, chinese whispers, blogs on the internet all lead to making IVF much bigger than it is.  As soon as I was told the only way I would make a baby would be through pumping myself full of drugs and hormones, I broke down.  I also hid from the truth for another year before actually starting on the IVF journey.

We did the research on the clinics, we visited open days and got all the holidays and festivals out of the way before dedicating our lives to this next stage of the process.  We got my 30th birthday out of the way too so I could drink for one last night, and started our first round in July 2017.

Round 1 – July 2017: We managed to get 6 eggs, 4 fertilised, 2 became blastocysts, had one put back and one in the freezer.  BFN.  Terrible day as you go through the first round thinking it will work.  This is the answer to our prayers! I actually knew it hadn’t worked way before my official test day.  I am not known for my patience and 4 days after our 5 day transfer, I started testing!  I didn’t see a thing.  Even my eyes couldn’t deceive my brain.  There was nothing there, nothing changed and I started bleeding exactly 2 weeks after my egg collection and 9 days past 5 day transfer (9dp5dt).  I’ll talk about things in more depth in other blogs, but the drugs were fine!

So we booked another holiday to get over it!

Round 2 – October 2017:  We decided to go for a natural frozen transfer (FET).  This meant no drugs at all.  I had to track my ovulation and when I ovulated I called the clinic and they booked me in for a transfer 5 days after.  It was a much calmer process.  Even though the drugs didn’t affect me, it is stress for your body and the egg collection really wasn’t great so this time round seemed much more…natural.  However natural IVF can be!  And from 5 days post transfer I started getting a positive line! A very faint but definitely there line.  However, it didn’t get darker and I knew as time went on, it was very unlikely to be good news.  2 weeks after my ovulation I started bleeding again.

So we decided to take some time off as I couldn’t cope emotionally to keep going through this disappointment.  It was nearly Christmas and we thought – let’s at least enjoy ourselves.  And we very much did! And then we went skiing because apparently holidays are the only remedy to an IVF broken heart.

Sorry this blog isn’t very joyous – I promise I’ll get better.  Just having to tell the back story!

We went to the clinic to get answers.  I asked:

  • Can we get an endometrial scratch?  You can but we wouldn’t bother.
  • Can I get tested for the natural killer cells?  No we don’t believe in that.
  • Can we use embryo glue?  No we don’t believe in that.
  • Can we put two embryos back?  Do you want twins?  Because you’re young and you’ll end up having them.

It was a really helpful visit as you can see.  They just blew us off and said we’ll have a baby it might just take a few goes.  No more investigation.

Round 3 – February 2018:  So I got christmas cheer and skiing out my system, I went back to being healthy and we decided to start treatment again in February.  It was a fresh cycle again and they jacked my drugs up and we managed 11 eggs this time, 7 fertilised and 3 blasts.  One was put back and two put in the freezer.

It was different this time – everyone had hope.  My friends and family all ‘had a good feeling’.  I had dreamed I was pregnant with twins – it was weird.  The first two times I knew it wasn’t going to work in my head – but this time I knew it would work.  I had all the same feelings I did the second time (I’ll go into that in another blog) and I tested 4 days after transfer and could immediately see a positive line.  I didn’t tell my husband as I wanted to see it get darker.  So the next day, 5dp5dt, I saw the faintest line again but very clear.  Much clearer than the first time.  I did another test later that day and it was clear as anything.  It was such a magical day – I sent a photo of the tests to close friends who knew and we all couldn’t believe how dark it was already.

The best day was 5 days after that on the Saturday.  I was pretty used to seeing positive tests and did one in the morning ( a first response).  I went back to sleep and when I woke up the line was the darkest I had ever seen.  I then dipped a digital in the same wee from the morning that I had saved (mmm) and it came up ‘pregnant 1-2’.  It was true! I was pregnant!!

We were very much trying not to get excited but we couldn’t help it.  I just wanted to get past my period day and then I could start believing it.  So the Monday was period day and I sailed through that.  I stopped testing as there wasn’t much point testing any more and I went on for 5 more glorious days…

My clinic had told me to wait until the Friday to do another test, make sure it’s all going ok, then ring them to book in a scan.  A SCAN! What?!  I don’t have those because I’m never pregnant – oh wait, yes I am!  However, on the Thursday I was at work and something odd happened.  I came out of a meeting and just felt odd – I couldn’t put my finger on it.  So I went to Boots to get some tests as I needed them for the next day anyway.  I went to the bank and all of a sudden felt a rush of something downstairs.  I panicked, ran out and ran all the way back to work.  It was the worst feeling – I was hyperventilating and crying.  I got into the loo and I couldn’t even look.  When I did, everything was fine, but I really scared myself.

So I decided to do a test and it was a lot lighter, but I just blamed that on the fact I held my wee for only an hour.  I then waited another 1,5 hours and did another digital and FRER – digital said 1-2 still and the frer was darker than before but nowhere near as dark as earlier in the week.  I figured it was the dilute wee that cause the lines and the digital not moving up in weeks.

The next morning I woke up at 5.30am to test.  I did a clear blue this time and another digital – I saw straight away – the clear blue barely showed a line and the digital was doing it’s usual time dance before showing the result.  It finally came up ‘not pregnant’.  What?  I couldn’t believe it.

I won’t go into the rest of this for now, but let’s just say I’ve had an awful week.

So that’s me – our story. We are now on the 4th round journey and will be updating this as much as I can along the way.  Thanks for reading if you’ve stumbled across this 🙂

K x